Flatter than a dad joke: Cricket deserved better than this bore-athon
OPINION
The week in which we lost the game's greatest entertainer, cricket dished up a turgid Test match that must rank as one of the most boring of all time.
Australia's long-awaited return to Pakistan after 24 years produced a snooze-fest for the ages.
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The game seemed to go for about 24 years as 1187 runs were scored for just 14 wickets on a pitch flatter than a dad joke.
In the end, it was like Saturday morning cricket, with everyone bar keeper Alex Carey and opener Dave Warner getting a bowl in the second dig.
Geez, Warner's bowling must be seriously Z-grade not to get an invite.
To think Marnus Labuschagne spent up at Bunnings preparing a home-made track from a rubber mat and metal plates to train on before leaving home.
He needn't have wasted his time* (*Bunnings sausage not considered a waste of time).
Labuschagne may as well have pulled out his kit at Brisbane Airport and practised on the tarmac.
At least runway two has some bounce and pace and has been known to turn late.
How was this the same Rawalpindi that gave us the Rawalpindi Express – aka Shoaib Akhtar?
Whether they were under instruction or not, the local ground staff produced a deck designed to give the home side the best chance of avoiding defeat.
The toss was crucial, and any chance of a contest was pretty much gone by halfway through day three after Pakistan had meandered to their massive first innings score, admittedly on the back of some quality Test match batting.
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Shane Warne always told us cricket was about theatre and entertainment, but even the master would have struggled to conjure any magic on this 22-yards of nothingness.
The only comforting thought is the majority of Australians – those without access to subscription TV - missed seeing the misery play out over five laborious days.
Those who tried to stay the distance found themselves urging the cameras to focus on a funny sign in the crowd or the latest plug for a battery, tea bag or Sensodyne toothpaste (what the hell were those awkward product placements, anyway?).
The International Cricket Council should – but, most likely, won't – act and send a strong message such uneven contests between bat and ball will not be tolerated.
Strip venues of their Test status if they cannot comply.
Cricket deserved much better than this, especially in the wake of such great sadness.
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