Welsh rugby star Gareth Thomas has revealed to a British TV show the intimate details of the torture he suffered while trying to keep his sexuality a secret during life as a professional rugby player.
Thomas was often filled with self-loathing and used the aggressive nature of Rugby as a way to calm his anger.
"I had a lot of anger, I didn't like myself after I stepped off the field," Thomas said.
"If I didn't have the rugby to cope with the aggression I would have been locked up years ago. If you are known as a tough guy, you are not gay."
Thomas revealed his sexuality in 2009, becoming the first openly gay professional rugby player in Britain.
But Thomas is still haunted by the secret life he led while being married to Celebrity Big Brother star Jemma Thomas.
Gareth revealed how close he came to suicide while struggling to deal with the lies he needed to tell to keep his career afloat.
"When I couldn't handle being around the people I was deceiving, I'd walk for hours along the local cliffs," Thomas said.
"During my worst times, I'd come here everyday with the thought I was going to kill myself. I hated being Gareth Thomas.
"I hated the man in the mirror, I hated it so much I wanted to die."
In the show Thomas is seen talking to young men who are struggling with their sexuality.
"There's part of me that thinks I don't want everybody to know stuff about me."
"By coming out and becoming a role model then I feel there's a responsibility to help others. I hope people take away from my story that people respect honesty."