F1 Torque: Team by team previews
IF you want to make God laugh, tell him your pre-season predictions for the Formula One season.
This unpredictability is why every second before the lights go out for Race One in Melbourne is precious to the diehard F1 fanatic.
Magically, mercifully nothing is set in stone.
There are no dominant power-units. No foregone conclusions, no predictable podiums.
It's a time when we can let our best dreams for Grand Prix run free.
We are unencumbered by the depressing reality of how little actual racing there can be in a race weekend.
Better than the race, better than the memory, it's all sweet anticipation.
George Harrison was famously an F1 fanatic in his later years.
But had John Lennon been into F1, Imagine might have had a line about F1. Imagine a season where any car could win. You may say I'm a dreamer...
Importantly, the politics and intrigue are even more intense when the engines go quiet.
A quick recap on last year: Following Abu Dhabi we know Hamilton is the champion.
But Rosberg found some serious speed late in the season, a teasing glimpse of what might be.
With six straight poles and the most recent wins he could be back.
The Hamilton-Rosberg rivalry, forged as boys and played out in the fastest cars on global circuits will only have stewed into a pungent broth over the European winter.
Meanwhile, Ferrari has its act together, big hopes for crowd favourite Kimi.
His battle with Vettel could be the one to watch at the pointy end.
How will handy newcomers Haas perform? Grosjean is improving and they have the Ferrari horses in the back.
Those who put F1 predictions in down in permanent ink are fools, with whom I can have no respect or sympathy.
But as this pre-season guide is online and prone to silent removal - allow me to predict with absolute, guaranteed 100 per cent certainty, the outcome for every driver and every team for the 2016 season.
MERCEDES AMG PETRONAS
Drivers: Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg
It's the team that seemingly has everything. The tallest team principal, the most bankable driver in Hamilton and Niki Lauda, a mystical Svengali who doesn't bother to wear the team uniform. It's a team with the best engine and a massive constructor's budget. What could go wrong? Well, ask McLaren, or even better ask Red Bull or Williams how a dominant team can suddenly fall off the pace. It will happen eventually, but not this season. Mercedes will win many races with both drivers. In fact, I predict it will win Constructor's Championship, but not the driver's championship. Could miss out on that by a whisker to Sebastian Vettel in a resurgent Ferrari.
SCUDERIA FERRARI
Drivers: Sebastian Vettel and Kimi Raikkonen
Now repeat after me: That is not a Marlboro symbol on the helmet and car. That is not a Marlboro symbol on the helmet and car. Good, now that's been sorted, it's time for the Ferrari diehard to get excited. This is Ferrari's season. This is Vettel's comeback. It will be hard fought, but Ferrari will get there. My prediction, despite spirited challenges from Kimi, Sebastian will be better suited to the setup and will take the 2016 World Championship by a whisker. You heard it here first. Kimi will be fourth after the two squabbling Mercedes.
WILLIAMS MARTINI RACING
Drivers: Felipe Massa and Valteri Bottas
The official F1 narrative likes to pretend that deep down every Grand Prix fan loves Ferrari. They don't. Many who lived through their years of dominance on the podium and in the politics of the sport actually despise the team. The one they love, the one they've always loved, the one that reminds them of the halcyon summers of our youth... that's Williams. Misty-eyed we remember fondly the days of Mansell, Prost, Senna and of course, Sonic the Hedgehog. Then for years we lost contact, but recently under Sir Frank's daughter, Claire we're back in touch again and something real is rekindling. Two excellent drivers. Massa, even at his age has bags of untapped speed. But he could be edged out by young gun Bottas. Either way, this team will be in the points and at the pointy end. We expect very good results.
RED BULL RACING
Drivers: Daniel Ricciardo and Daniil Kvyat
This team is dead in the water. Formula One has more in common with Washington politics than the X Games and while Red Bull used money to win all those championships, ultimately it was power, and specifically power units, that has seen its demise. Put more simply, Red Bull cannot win this season because it doesn't have the engine development. And that's because it was done over by F1 politics. But don't complain - that's F1. Aussie Daniel Ricciardo is as fast as any driver on the grid, but this season frustrations will show and cracks may appear, even allowing Kvyat an opportunity to shine. But if Ricciardo can overcome that, this season could be the tough makings of a truly great driver.
SAUBER F1
Drivers: Marcus Ericsson and Felipe Nasr
Emerging from financial chaos, this team is the ignorable Mr Cellophane of the grid, with the perfect two drivers for this role. In a sport dominated by rock star drivers, Marcus Ericsson and Felipe Nasr, coast through the world of F1 like two faceless, nameless men. But then, Sauber has never been about flashiness. Where will they finish? Not first, not last. Just, somewhere in the middle.
RENAULT SPORT
Drivers: Jolyon Palmer and Kevin Magnusson
F1 is a sport where funky first names run free: Fernando, Lewis, Jenson, Nico, Valteri... Juan Pablo even a Pierluigi. So in that respect Jolyon Palmer seems to have the goods. He's also the son of former driver Dr Jonathon Palmer - a double-bonus. Just ask Nico Rosberg, son of Keke or Carlos Sainz son of...well, Carlos Sainz. Jolyon's teammate Kevin Magnusson is also following dad. But all of that is just about where it ends. This is a team that will showcase these young drivers talents adequately but will achieve little more. Expect nothing good this season and you won't be disappointed. Plucky team though.
SCUDERIA TORO ROSSO
Drivers: Max Verstappen and Carlos Sainz Jr
Prepare to get very excited. This is the team to watch. Two thrilling young drivers who will undoubtedly dominate the future of our sport. But we might not have to wait that long. The way this season is stacked, this "second string" team will deliver big results this season. What happens with this team will be one of the major narratives of the 2016 season. Max is the shining light, but that's allowing Carlos to develop well. Pencil them in for multiple podiums and whisper it... a race win?
HAAS F1
Drivers: Roman Grosjean and Esteban Gutiérrez
Part of Formula One's fruitless obsession with courting the United States (sorry mate, she just isn't that into you). A very professional outfit with all the right racing connections, NASCAR heritage and compnentry. It will do admirably in its rookie season, with middle of the pack drivers. Feels like an introductory season for a team that will definitely find its feet with time.
MANOR RACING
Drivers: Rio Haryanto and Pascal Wehrlein
Backmarker team with two very talented drivers. Wehrlein has the backing of Mercedes, Haryanto the backing of Indonesia as this massive country's first F1 pilot. I hope and predict Haryanto will catch the eye of the F1 world, but sadly it will be a tough year in this small team that will finish with little to show for much hard work. Hopeful of an upset in a race or two.
SAHARA FORCE INDIA F1
Drivers: Sergio Perez and Nico Hulkenburg
Great team, superb drivers who are sometimes overlooked and the right engine. They will achieve points all season and possible podiums. This is a team that never really goes away, they'll be back stronger than ever in 2016. Nico Hulkenberg has done the work, he deserves the results.
MCLAREN HONDA
Drivers: Fernando Alonso and Jenson Button
Oh dear. A team that has moved from a powerhouse, to a joke and then, a tragic tale. We all hope they have made great strides with staff changes at engine supplying partner Honda. But I fear more frustration for Fernando and Jenson. There will be improvement from last year. However, I fear this tough season could be the last for at least one of these drivers. What a waste. An unknown quantity for this season - hopefully they can salvage some respect.