Traditional footy fan, look away now.
You won't like AFLX.
You'll cringe at the flashing lights. Smoke machines. Incessant sound. And Zooper goals - footy-God, forbid.
And that's even before you look on-field.
What did happen on-field when the experimental AFLX made a debut in Adelaide on Thursday night?
Umpires in pink. Silver balls. And guinea pigs.
The seven players on-field for each club were proverbial guinea pigs.
And just like genuine guinea pigs, they scampered here and there without really knowing where they were headed.
And yes, traditional footy fan, you may think AFLX is like a genuine guinea pig: a smelly little thing best put back in its box.
There's no physicality. No crunching tackles - barely any tackling at all.
The first-ever AFLX game between Port Adelaide and Geelong featured five tackles in total. Port laid just one in 20 minutes.
No collisions. No bumps. No pack marks. Not even a pack.
So, traditional footy fan, AFLX isn't for you. And that is just the way it's meant to be.
It's for the younger generation who find a real footy game lasting three hours just too long for their concentration span.
Yes, traditional footy fan, in the past you spent three hours stuck in footy traffic just getting to and from the game - they were the days, huh.
So, traditional footy fan, best if you turn off AFLX right now.
Don't bother attending - you will just want to strangle the commentator who calls every play in every second of the game over the loud speaker.
And he just loves Zooper goals.
What's that, traditional footy fan? Surely you know a Zooper is a 10-point goal kicked from outside the 40-metre arc?
It's named in honour of a sugary-sweet ice block - those concentration-lacking kids love me because they last just minutes.
And yes, traditional footy fan, you'll wonder what the heck the goal umpire is doing when he crosses his arms to denote a Zooper: He's making an X sign - AFLX, get it?
Okay, traditional footy fan, you're right. It's identical to the jailbird sign Richmond hero Dustin Martin displayed in a 2013 elimination final.
Martin was given a suspended $2000 fine. But times have changed since. And the times, they are a changin' still.
And yes, traditional footy fan, you won't believe what happens after a goal: LED lights flash on the goal posts. Two big smoke machine cannons fire into the air. Music blasts.
Had enough yet, traditional fan?
Best you look away now. It's not for you. But it's not meant to be.