Summer vacation is over, and parents with school-aged children will finally, FINALLY have a few pitter-patter-free hours once school starts.
"but if you never have kids, you'll never know what it's like to be awakened by pitter-patter of little feet". yes. exactly. that is in fact the entire point.
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) August 25, 2023
Summer vacation is over, which means beach days are over, which means you'll get all that sand out of your car by Christmas (if you're lucky)!
Not to brag but I finally got the sand out from the car from the last beach trip in 2018
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 23, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
A lady in a mom group I’m in posted that she’s pregnant and wants to name her daughter Eieoie and the moms in the comments are ruthless and posting the lyrics to Old MacDonald Had a Farm 😭😭
— e 🕯✨ (@nienna121) August 6, 2023
Halfway through my kid’s crazy complicated Subway order, the guy asked “Where you going with this sandwich, man?”
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 20, 2023
My 2yo screamed in Costco, cause he’s 2. This crusty old man came up to us and said, “I’m one of Santa’s helpers. That means I’ll tell Santa about who’s being a naughty boy” to which my 6yo replied, “Mommy why isn’t that old guy minding his business?”The kid gets it.
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) August 2, 2023
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) August 3, 2023
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a computer, copying the emergency contact info from my kids' school portal profile onto a new emergency contact form so I can send it into school and they can re-input the information into my kids' school portal profile.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 30, 2023
As an end-of-summer treat, I told my 5yo he can stay up as late as he wants tonight. His regular bedtime is 7:30. It’s 7:50 and he’s outside swinging on his swing set telling me this is the best day ever. Will keep you posted on how long he makes it.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) August 27, 2023
The day my toddler started asking “what’s that?” was the day I realized how little I know about everything.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) August 15, 2023
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 24, 2023
14: hey dad...Why should you never fight a dinosaur??me: why14: You'll get jurasskicked.he's a dad. they grow up so fast.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 16, 2023
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) August 7, 2023
Nobody told me that I would have to be so deeply invested in school friends and enemies all over again when I had a child, I would like to lodge a complaint
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) August 28, 2023
watching my toddler do her amazing jump trick for the 83rd time. pic.twitter.com/Q41dK7QXkp
— Luke ☀️ (@RaDadtouille) August 25, 2023
Netflix / Via Twitter: @RaDadtouille
ok i’m 8 months pregnant, my husband is out of the country, there’s a hurricane and now an earthquake? a little over plotted don’t ya think?
— amber rollo (@ambercrollo) August 20, 2023
My son asked me tonight before bed if “back rooms” were real and, if you are not currently a parent of a child who watches youtube you have no idea the mistake I made in saying yes.
— Hank Green (@hankgreen) August 6, 2023
Took my 8yo to the museum and she asked if every picture was the Mona Lisa then when we left she made sure to tell the people in line “don’t bother, this museum doesn’t even have the Mona Lisa”.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 16, 2023
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!” It was a penguin.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 5, 2023
11-year-old: I'm bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.Me: Why?11: To practice making sounds.Me: You mean notes?11: No. We haven't learned those yet.Lucky us.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2023
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) August 19, 2023
I just walked in my room to find my 8yr watching my tv. Before I could say anything, she holds her hand up and says “I just need to relax ok. You called my name SO many times today.”Me: pic.twitter.com/8GWopo323d
— Montana D. Luffy🏴☠️ (@TanaIsBananas) August 10, 2023
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) August 2, 2023
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 20, 2023
All these pictures of kids moving into dorms making me realize I’m too old to sleep on a bed that high.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 17, 2023
i hear the blender going in the kitchen. Only my 10 and 8 yo are awake. my wife is not home. i'm stuck on a conference call. oh no.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 9, 2023
Apparently we aren’t allowed to add “alcohol for teacher” to the school supply lists so anyway the school year is already ruined
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 15, 2023
Weird how the first day of school also coincides with the first day anybody has ever driven a car.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 10, 2023
it’s funny that human toddlers go through a distinct developmental phase that’s like “does not wish to eat anything that is offered”
— worms cited (@christapeterso) August 19, 2023
Asked my 5-yo to clean her room multiple times today. She assured me she did. I went in: literally nothing had changed. “In what world,” I asked, “is this a clean room?”She looked me dead in the eye. “In a TRASH world.”
— Katie Gutierrez (@katie_gutz) August 2, 2023
Be kind, you never know who accidentally made eye contact with their teenager this morning
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 2, 2023
My kid came home, poured some skittles into a wine glass, and flung himself onto the couch, so I guess he had a rough day
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 11, 2023
it was splash day at preschool and they sent the wrong towel home with my sonthis was someone’s towel at preschool today pic.twitter.com/gxiLxhVkYE
— Bill Hanstock (@sundownmotel) August 10, 2023
At a 4th Grade Mock Trial and when the kid prosecutor finished her passionate opening statement the kid defendant was so moved he stood up and applauded. This could be a quick verdict.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 26, 2023
Me to my husband: "Don't worry, he's only 2, he'll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don't bring it up."My 2yo: "Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023
Knock at the door. I open it.Neighbor kid: “I… I was trying to do a… a ding-dong… thing..”Me: “A ding dong ditch?”NK: “Yeah!”Me: “But you forgot to leave?”NK: “Yeah!”Me: “Do you want to try again?”NK: “Yeah!”
— abs af (@absflora) August 13, 2023
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 2, 2023
my sister-in-law: sometimes happiness is hard to find.my 8yo, whispering to me: you should tell her the corner store has blue slurpees.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 13, 2023
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 8, 2023
my wife/kid are having a mommy/daughter night and when my wife asked her what she wanted to do my kid said "I would like to go to a nice dinner in Philadelphia and walk the streets at night"
— todd dillard (@toddedillard) August 25, 2023
5yo: Can you text your dad?Me: Like me, personally?5yo: Yeah, you can’t text your dad, right?Me: … right.5yo: Because he’s dead.Me: … correct.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 15, 2023
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for fall sports.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 15, 2023
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
— emily (@emilykmay) August 10, 2023
Today my daughter walked up to an elderly woman and said “mama” and realized her mistake, and I was like “did you think that 80 year old woman was me” and she shrugged and said, “40, 80, it’s all the same”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) August 17, 2023
16- *bragging about his mustache*12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours Me-
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 28, 2023
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 23, 2023
My favorite part of reading a book to my 3 y/o is when we’re finished and he immediately demands I read it again but “better” this time.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 24, 2023
Would love to have a brief chat with whoever taught my son to roll his eyes and say “oh my GOD” whenever someone displeases him oh wait
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) August 23, 2023
Can your boss be shorter than you? -my 5yo, mixing up work boss and video game boss
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 24, 2023
PTA room mom: We need some volunteers for the class par—Me: PLATES AND NAPKINS!
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 14, 2023
my daughter said she really wants to get baptized. I was surprised & asked her why & she said “I just love water mom.” LMFAO ??
— B 🦋 (@DontWorryBoutB) August 6, 2023
My 6yo has started calling himself a smarty pants and when I asked him why he thinks that, he said “Well, I’m smart and I wear pants.”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 22, 2023
The 5-year-old has been limping around with a leg injury all morning and I would feel bad for her except the injury is “a fox bit her in her dream”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 5, 2023
I spent months planning this road trip down to the last detail. Husband spots a candy store. Boom he’s the hero of this story.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 26, 2023
why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco
— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) August 22, 2023
Parenthood is so crazy. We're really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 17, 2023
I understand why a lot of people don’t think it’s valid to equate raising a pet to raising a child, but on the other hand I just spent three hours trying to bribe my dog into finally letting me brush his teeth which is the most toddler behavior I can possibly imagine.
— Sarah McGonagall (@gothspiderbitch) August 13, 2023