As the old saying goes, "If you're not a punk at 20, you have no heart; if your Spotify playlist doesn't include the Curious George theme song at 40, you have no kids."
Me, who once heavily criticized punk bands for sounding too "pop": the Curious George theme goes pretty hard actually
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) September 13, 2023
Make sure you follow all of these hilarious parents on Twitter!
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 13, 2023
love a 3 year old having the self-awareness to be like “yes i am being a prick but it’s NOT because of cartoons”
— chuck 🍂 (@charlubby) September 13, 2023
“Oh shhh… Ha I almost said shit!”My 6yo with a close call
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 8, 2023
Saw a precious old guy walking down my street with a baby and thought “that reminds me of my dad ”Turns out it was my dad, with my baby 🤣
— e 🕯✨ (@nienna121) September 13, 2023
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 12, 2023
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 14, 2023
Every morning my 3yo tells me "I wish you would straighten your hair and put on lipstick" and tbh if he was my boyfriend I'd break up with him for this.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 13, 2023
Raising smart kids is all fun and games until one day your 13 y/o beats you in chess for the first time and your pride in their intelligence changes to suspicion about whether they cheated.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 14, 2023
When they ask you how you balance parenting and writing they probably think: comforting a sick child vs furiously writing an opus - when it’s more like frantically trying to sign your kid up for the afterschool Pokémon club vs staring into the void and checking social media
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) September 14, 2023
One minute you’re young, wild and free and the next you’re screaming to your wife, “HE TOOK A GOOD POOP, I THINK WERE IN THE CLEAR!”
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) September 15, 2023
My 5yo told me all about the two kinds of letters: vowels and cousins
— meghan (@deloisivete) September 15, 2023
"Have kids so you'll always have someone to laugh at your jokes," they said, but when I sing "I will, I will rock you" to my fussy infant, he is Unappreciative
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 12, 2023
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
— It’s 𝘿𝙖𝙣𝙖, actually (@HourLongSauce) September 13, 2023
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) September 14, 2023
My mom before retirement: I just want to retire and help with the kids My mom during retirement: sorry, can’t help, the garden doesn’t just garden itself ya know
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 13, 2023
The note my kid wrote for us at back to school night was surprising to say the least pic.twitter.com/vPd17p3zR2
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) September 13, 2023
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 12, 2023
becoming a mother has added to the respect i have for my own mother. but. she always said i started talking at six months and now that i’ve reared a child through infancy i cannot emphasize enough how much that did not happen.
— am rod (@arod_twit) September 14, 2023
Thoughts and prayers to the dad at Target who just told his kids that cough drops are “candy that makes you feel better”
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) September 14, 2023
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me my kid: Yeah, but this isn't a dream
— Mad Hatter Mommy!!! (@MadHatterMommy) September 13, 2023
Also unrelated but related, I have been banned from using delulu and rizz. This is good because I didn’t want to.
— Jo Luehmann (@JoLuehmann) September 9, 2023
My daughter did my makeup complete with purple eyeliner used as lipstick and hearts drawn all over my face and then cried when I didn’t wear it to work
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 12, 2023
Wait, so I wasn’t supposed to send my kid to school dressed up as Snooki for Jersey Day?
— Marissa 💚🍃💛 (@michimama75) September 14, 2023
My biggest soccer mom pet peeve is when parents scream at their kids from the sidelines to get to a different position than where their coach put them. So I wanna give a trophy to the 9yo that just turned from the middle of the field & screamed I’M DEFENSE to her yelling dad. 💥
— Meghan 💜💙| The Pursuing Life (@thepursuinglife) September 9, 2023
10: “Can we stop cutting my nails, it makes it harder to grab a booger”Can’t argue with that.
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) September 15, 2023
As a parent with older kids, we can just leave the house without them and do whatever we want. The possibilities are endless. Sorry, toddler parents.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 13, 2023
Some of you never grew up with your dad responding to all your complaints with “life sucks and then you die” and it shows
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 13, 2023
me: it’s bedtime my 5yo: *makes me rank my favorite numbers from 1 to 9 in order*
— meghan (@deloisivete) September 11, 2023
Also when I was pregnant with my son (Elliot) I was in an improv class where the teacher was like "let's think of the most pretentious, snooty boy name was can" and she was like "How about Elliot?" and everyone was like "yeah".
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 15, 2023
[driving on the highway]My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad. Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) September 12, 2023
met a woman, fell in love, got married, bought a house, had children, bought a minivan and developed acid reflux just to have content to tweet about, so tell me again that I have commitment issues
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) September 15, 2023
3yo: Mom do you love me.Me: Yup I love you more than anything in the world, with all my heart, until the end of time.3yo: Thanks.3yo: I love Dad.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 11, 2023