We know we're cutting it fine but here's our NRL wishlist for all 16 clubs ahead of the 2013 season - hand-delivered by some bloke with a Welsh accent who wanted to know if Cameron Thurston was going to stay at North Sydney or shift to the Canberra Bulldogs.
Brisbane: Christmas came early for the Broncos in the shape of the 2013 draw, which has them playing more Friday nights than a cheap covers band. Some of the younger players were unaware until recently that MNF stands for Monday Night Footy and not Match Next Friday.
Canberra: A premiership for Blake Ferguson. Well, he did move to Canberra to win a comp because apparently they stood a better chance than former club Cronulla. Just don't remind Fergy. The last bloke who did copped a gobful at a music festival.
Canterbury: An apocalyptic replay. Des Hasler is filthy the Mayans got it wrong because he was well prepared for the end of the world, planning to bunker the Bulldogs down in their Belmore survival chamber in the hope they would ride out Armageddon and emerge as the only contender for the 2013 crown.
Cronulla: Another drama-filled year at Wests Tigers. That should help deliver Benji Marshall and Robbie Farah to the Shire and the takeover will be complete. The Sharks are like the bloke who watches a couple have a blue before moving in to console the female with a reassuring word, arm around the shoulder and lecherous intentions.
Gold Coast: A cattle prod for Jamal Idris. We're not sure if he's still on the Titans' books but, if so, would someone mind ringing the big fella and remind him he was signed as an impact player. If he's no longer playing, we apologise for asking.
Manly: A new house. Brookie Oval is as dilapidated as some of Manly's ageing forwards but there is no love or money from government to renovate. The situation is that bad the corporate area resembles a toilet. Oh wait, the toilet is the corporate area.
Melbourne: An explanation for the existence of Cooper Cronk's website. Anyone?
Newcastle: Just some cash in a card with a few scratchies thrown in would be handy. Nathan Tinkler hasn't done it this tough since they banned him from the all-you-can-eat buffet at Toronto Workers Club.
North Queensland: The immediate closure of Townsville Airport. That might be the only way to keep Johnathan Thurston in the tropics.
Parramatta: A drama-free day/week/month/year. The Eels have watched Israel Folau walk out on them, sacked an under-20s player for decking Reni Maitua, let Jamil Hopoate go for discipline breaches and are now sweating his bro Will doesn't renege on his 2014 deal. All this and we're still more than two months way from the season kick-off. But all that drama will look a minor skirmish compared to what will unfold if Chris Sandow stinks the joint up on Ricky Stuart's watch.
Penrith: Something, anything. Phil Gould returned to the golden west promising great change. And, to be fair, there was change - crowds dropped and the team went from 12th to 15th. Gus may have to give the Panthers one of his Origin-like orations while walking through the rain in an expensive suit.
St George Illawarra: Alternative employment for Steve Price. Surely he won't see out the season if the Dragons start poorly. Even if they do okay, it appears Craig Bellamy is already suited up for the gig beyond 2013. Saints officials deny Price's job is in danger so you can start counting the days until the axe falls.
South Sydney: A fifth Burgess. What's not to love?
Sydney Roosters: A cure for Sonny Bill Williams' sporting ADHD. SBW's inability to sit still for more than 90 seconds will have Roosters' officials sweating it out to see if he lasts longer than a parking spot at Bondi Beach. The former All Black has pledged his loyalty for at least the 2013 season, which equates to a lifetime deal in SBW's world.
Warriors: An interpreter for Matt Elliott. We can't wait to find out what Manu Vatuvei and Co make of Elliott's penchant for quoting ancient philosophers and blending sections of Sun Tzu's Art of War into match plans. The Beast has a hard enough time catching the ball without trying to unlock the coach's riddles within a conundrum.Wests Tigers: A competent divorce lawyer to split Tim Sheens from Stephen Humphries. The pair remains in the same bed but with suitcases down the middle to mark each other's patch. Meanwhile, Mick Potter waits uncomfortably in the spare room.
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